2014 almost gone

It has been a long while since I wrote in this particular blog. So much has been happening in my life, good and bad, mistakes, hurts, joy, happiness, etc. So here is a quick rundown.........

The last post I was writing about my first love. Well we were suppose to have gotten married. However that did not happen. A lot of things were suppose to happen and happy ever after. However in real life that just does not exists. I wish him well, I hope the children are well, safe, etc. And I sure hope he man up, mature and find what he is looking for within himself. 

Moving along, other events transpired around my family. I almost lost both my mother and brother....stress, medical issues that just happened, etc. With the grace and love of the Lord...he helped and kept them here with me. I swear that year was a mess. I do not EVER want to witness what I did, the feeling of not knowing what was going to happen next, feeling alone, etc. But prayer is powerful. I will never understand why things happen the way it does when its not so good, to those who does not deserve it. Anyhow, both my mommie and brother are fine! 

After going through all of that, I now have anxiety issues, not a good feeling. But I maintain it NOW...at first I didnt, cant even lie on that. The meds given made you feel off. I do yoga which is a life saver for me. I enjoy each class/session. 

Now on to more positive stuff. During the time I was with my ex fiance.... I became a step parent and the fact that I have always wanted them, but sadly found that I could not after trying... I think he for the opportunity to feel parenthood. I loved it even though it was more than 3kids at one time....But if I can get up and care for them while sick and did not mind, not be selfish and put them before my needs, love them even though they was not mines....shoot what else can I ask for. SOOOOOOOOO I decided to go forward with adoption on my own.
 And guess what.. I now have a 7mth old babygirl. She is my world...even though the situation with the birth mother is iky, I will fight for my babygirl, my blessing! We hope everything will be squared away end of the year. Lord knows I do as it was suppose to have last month. But I guess they best things are those that we wait for. YAAAAAY for me.

Work situation is well..... lets just say that I am on a continue job hunt, especially since I am a mother...I have to have a better job schedule. And the company I work for, well nothing here for me even after everything I have done and proved myself, etc. A waste. 12 years but anyways. 

Love life.....hahahahhaahahah yes I have someone and we shall see where this goes. Long term stat you ask: hummmm I just do not know, I cant really read him. He is NOT like the rest of the males I am use too. Which can be a good or bad thing.. I know I have issues, but hey who the heck doesn't. However, I do know that I am worthy and deserve to be treated as such, pampered, loved, etc. 
Do I see another marriage in my future? Nervousness got me on that, I mean I do not know if anyone would really want me for me, be faithful, loyal, best friend, protector,... I know that I side-eye males with children and mothers who seem to cant and wont let go. Or the guys that cant let go of the mothers OR drama with letting the other see his/her children. It seems to be a trend and I'm personally tired of it. Sorry to my male readers that has kids who are not like what I mentioned, kudos to you. Teach the rest how it suppose to be done. Just a thought LOL

Yeah as you can see, I will never change being me. Situations may change, but I will always be me. I have grown and I have learned. I am now a mother and I have high ass standards. My baby means too much to me and if anyone does not understand, respect that, nor not there with me eye to eye then they can just go on.. JUMP! LOL okay okay not literally..hahahaha 

On that note, I'm working on blogging more often then once every 2yrs LOL. As always, thanks for reading, All Smiles Baby

Its a new year

and the end of the first week of 2012. I can say that it has been looking promising for myself. In December I found and been talking to my first love...our first loves of each other. WILD right. That was only the Lord placing him here at the timing right. As when I moved in late November and everything going on. I had to let God and let go. Once I did, he burden was lifted. Things started flowing and this is one. Besides the fact of the opportunity to sale my home options that would help me in the long run. 

And work is well the same.. nothing changed. However, my eyes are open and I can see clearly how things operate and so on. So all in all, I feel that this is MY YEAR FINALLY. I am ready and claiming this year. I have my blessings and love and support as I'm doing this for me. Point blank

Things looking up

For the most part. I'm on good note/terms with my friend. As he understands the reasoning behind everything... FINALLY RIGHT as he had no other way but to understand. As if he didn't....guess what I could care less.

Moving along, its been a bit of bumps on my road. However, I am making it. More positive in the light that's its about ME. Getting back on track, making a gain plan, etc. I'm just chilling, buying my time with everything. I am comfortable in my new place as I been in that area before. Which is a good thing....my neighbor though has been fighting and arguing none stop. Ghetto to say the least. I mean shorty she does not want you. I just don't get it..but I guess its not for me to get. That's the ONLY downfall is the thin walls. UGGGHH

I hope and pray that I will be able to purchase a house again one day SOON that's affordable amongst other things. I will be calling my mortgage company in the morning to go ahead with the Deed in Lieu foreclosure where it shall erase all debt.. I guess it will look a bit 'better' on my shot credit and make it able for me to become an homeowner again sooner than later. So we shall see how that goes.. I hope I do not stress out with that. I faxed over the authorization form from my lawyers so that they can speak with me directly. They better have received it by the time I make that call. Just saying.

Christmas is basically here and I am excited. New Years is right around the corner and I am looking for a prosperous 2012. I hope it brings peace, joy, relief, good health as I need it all. plus some. I tell you if its not one thing its another. People are struggling from all types of walk of life. And that's sad. The economy sucks along with the government. Being real here guys. A lot need jobs, finances, assistance but cant get anything. BUT if they where not looking, users, etc they would be able to get assistance with the drop of a dime. So not right.

What else..... umm that's really about it. So until next time....

Life is hard as is

so why is it that when your in a bad relationship (even with good points here and there), that the breakup is HARD...even when it happened the wrong way or not in a way that you anticipated.

Well that is what went down with me tonight/before midnight. Yes do care, love the person. However, I love myself and my health much more and realized that I have to help and take care of myself. It's one thing to debate and argue. BUT when a person continues to throw things in your face when you gave valid discussions on how you feel and not even blame them while in your own rant...why would they do such a thing? And why would I or anyone else put up with that over and over again. So yes I have hit my breaking point. And ended it. At least he states that he still love and appreciate everything I have done for him (my evil side is like he better) my good side is like 'okay so we are not on a hate hate can't communicate level. Wheeeeew.

I pray that he and I both get our own personal lives together for the sake of SELF. As far as relationships goes. Mane I give that to the Lord. As I feel that I'm not made for them. As they have all, umm about 80% bad. It might just be ME. Ohh well.

NOW I have to focus on myself and my lil stinka fat butt and getting my life back on track, my finances, and hopefully with the grace of the Lord become an homeowner again in life. Loosing everything I have worked for is enough in one life time. But for other simple mess to continue to happen that could have also been avoided, well hey that's why I am STRESSED THE HELL OUT. I am in constant prayer and will be again after I complete this post.

For those going through something or think that your the only one or that no one has it worse off than you... WELL its not just you!!! And your NOT alone!!

Other than that, I need to find a starting point. That's my next step. So stay tuned as this new chapter of my life is just beginning.

New Chapter..hard lessons learned

After everything is said and done. I am still here, making it and being blessed all at the same time. What I have learned is that I have have HAVE to do for MYSELF from now on... Doing for others, having them use me financially wise is what put me in a messed up situation that tops everything else. SO this is now a new chapter in my life. A re-do/start over. I am excited about my move this upcoming weekend. I am ready to do me 10,000,000% with no distractions. I know who are true to me, real friends and its not many which I am very happy about.

I am continuing to be determined, devoted and motivated on being successful for ME. Dispute everything that has gone down the past 2wks or so, I am STILL applying to scholarships as I was informed that I have exhausted all my financial aid. A bunch of BS right. Thought that it was no limit of educational loans AKA Staford sub and unsub. However, its government owned so you know how that goes.

Work is still work. Glad to have a job for real.  
The relationship is well what it is. I'm just into me, myself and I right now... Not selfish per se but hey its just the right thing to do. So many ppl consumed my life that I had no where to breathe and the sad thing is that they care less to be honest. And yes I did it to myself I admit it but there is a time for all to stop halt. And this is it!

Other than that, I'm just looking forward to everything and not dwell on the past. As from someone who has been through a lot, I'll say this to my readers.... please please please don't allow others to take advantage of you or you being soooo nice to others where you end up with NOTHING or worse yet, LOOSING NOTHING.

A lot of things

So a lot of things has been going on. First I finally set up an apt with Phoenix for this upcoming week. Unfortanitely, in order to get my transcripts from Strayer I have to come out of pocket for past semester...get this summer and fall 2009. And it took me calling to get my official transcripts for them to inform that I have an outstanding balance from a promisary note that I assumed I paid up. No letter was mailed, calls, emails, nada. Truly BAD and unprofessional service. Therefore, I have lost all respect for Strayer. I would not recommend anyone there, unless you are able to pay the entire total of tuition upfront in CASH.

Next, the job thing is not getting better. A lot of changes are coming down that are and will effect all of us. Especially financially. *sigh* will it even get better as we fight to show that we are great dedicated workers, etc. I pray it gets better for real.

My life, well I am working on getting that together and back on track finally. They say you have to start within and thus far I am doing better per doctor...but I know that STRESS is the killer and I fight with it daily from finances to relationship wise. I just feel that I'm just not understandable when it comes to certain situations or issues. As like only I understand myself and no one else does.

Moving along, I feel like I am on another level regarding my hair business. I started vamping up my website/portfolio and even blogging on here (my other blog attached to my profile) as well as my journal on my website. I'm just out here voicing myself and helping others in the meantime. Or shall I say I sure hope I do.

The jewelry that I do...well no takers/buyers, which I guess will take time right. But I have started rocking them myself as I do like my own work. Same for the makeup, I purchase a bit of things for myself as well. As they say, in time it will happen right. So I'm ready to sit back and see.

Anyhow, thats really the rundown of whats been going on since the last post. Until next time be you always.    :0)

Depression

It's something that more people are suffering from. And I am one of them. Once you have depression full blown, you never loose it. It may go in 'resession' and can never reactivate if nothing life changing or negative. However, if one issue that goes completely wrong happens. BAM.. depressions little head starts to peek its way through. And if you have control, then you can fight it, if you have no control then it will take over... At times life changing events will have you down all the way for a while.

I say all of this because I too suffer from depression. I tend to have it on and off..especially when I am going through a lot as I am now. But somehow I am making it without having 'thoughts'. I have a small support system that I try to talk too when needed. For those that read this and understand or going/experience depression please talk to someone... I'm here as well.

Depression is not a joke and can have sad unfortuante end results. So I say this, as a learning experience talk and listen to people when they are crying for help..not attention but help.

So its me again. I  have been busy with the bazaar and sick with a cold. Still a bit tired/exhausted. BUT making it none-the-less.

NOW what has been going on or new.. My dude is still edgy per se. Still waiting to hear back from school so I can find out what I need to do to enroll and start, work is well...work point blank. I did a nice dinner Friday for my moms birthday on Thursday and that was nice. Still mad that my bro and dude went outside to smoke...buts that's a totally other story that I just do not feel to get into right at this moment.

My male version of me has been keeping his word thus far. And we conversed this evening and WOW at what he finally came out and told me... that he been in love with me. NOW men do NOT usually admit something of that nature and open up when they the types to keep things in and not share emotions, etc. It was shocking to me, because I have NEVER seen him as such open in regards feelings with me for all of 13yrs.  But I guess they say the timing has to be right, and give them space as if its meant it will happen. Therefore, that is to be continued and I am actually looking forward to it honestly. If I said I didn't, then I would be lying and I do not like to lie. I always wanted him to feel that way about me for all these years and finally me hitting 30 was the turning point to glory! I just hope everything else turns to glory for me.

The economy has everyone down... I'm just trying to get ahead in finances, but it seems as though there is always SOMETHING. When will it give, when will it get better to the point that everyone I love/care/fam is straight again??? I pray that it is soon. But its all in Gods hand. Lord knows that I am not the best of person, but I am trying!

Well I can say that tonight and last night were counter productive as I updated my jewelry site http://www.etsy.com/shop/UNEKHempJewelry?ref=si_shop  with better pictures and all. So it stands out. As far as my Markgirl site http://malindawashington.mymarkstore.com/  I need to find another marketing tool I guess. I could use Craigslist (as I JUST thought of that as I type). Still have to decide and figure that out.

I know when I get home, I need to finish my hair, relax and clean. He can like it or not. BUT it is MY house and I be damned if I will allow it to continue on in the manner and matter that it is. I just do not get people. You open up your place and you think that they would do the simple mess of keeping it up or for that matter truly care and respect it even when they 'talk' the talk. However, nope. That's not reality. Wait till he get his own and then see, understand, etc. I am just tired of helping people that do not really do anything for me. Not saying that I need anything. But undermind how I live BEFORE them. When I nice/sweetened up to accomidate them, thats EXACTLY where I went wrong. FUCK THAT. How I live or do or like things is just what it is... Take it or leave it. For real. Thats one reason why I been stressed the hell out. I want my house back and I WILL SUCCEED in doing so!!!

Okay rant over. But if you been there and understand then you already know how I feel at this moment. Just saying. Anyhow, until next time.

Lashing Out

IS it really worth the pain, side effects such as headaches, blood pressure rising and possible heath issues and your sanity??? NO but in reality its hard as hell when your just bombarded with a lot and feel likes there's no way out. WELL ladies and gents. That's how I felt last night. I felt like I was at the breaking point of disaster. A meltdown, falling apart, breakdown. I felt like I was alone that I could not do anything as like its me that's the problem. So I snapped out on my brother and dad after things that where truly a joke and I didn't mean it but it was hitting the head of all my frustrations. After I calmed down, I did the right thing and apologize to my brother. 

I talked with my mom who always has wise things but real to tell me. She does not hold anything back and I love her for that. I know all too well that I am totally a high strung nut case when things don't go right nor my way. TRUE to the 1000000th power. And I need a better release system as she stated I need to breathe in and out when or before I feel that frustration coming on. That I am stressed because I am caring for two house holds. And of course I need to pray and ask the Lord to take the burden off me and guild my tongue in other words.  That I have done and I do feel a bit better. But I personally have a lot to work on. I admit that for real. Why not. I'm not perfect so hey. So the yoga/ball exercises shall be a calming effect for me don't you think. 

Anyhow, moving along. CHEATING.... do I think my dude is doing such. Well something in the back of my head is telling me that he is.. For one, we are struggling, second his boys does not deal with him/being fake all because of me and I don't even know these lil boys. Therefore I know know he blames me for that and he is NOT over it and I have to constantly hear it when he vents/rants. Third because of my work schedule and his lack of. So why me and why lie... I shall never know. But I have broke my neck over and over and can not help anyone else out. I need the help now....and no one has come to my rescue. Just saying. I don't have proof because its more so on the computer/facebook/IM or the older phone number/sim card that I know he probably switches out to talk to certain ppl when I'm not around. BUT HEY I NEED TO WORRY ABOUT MYSELF THEN THIS MESS RIGHT.. Yeah yeah I know. But its hard when you feel like your being played and used all over again right. 

Okay moving along. I sure hope that my nerves can chill this week as this is my mommies bday week, short week and I will be selling my jewelry at the bazaar Saturday. YAAAAAAY Positive things rights. I also want to go and see Wicked. We shall see on that one right. 

Well tis all for now.

Now what

Sooooo now its more so of moving on from Strayer and on to bigger and better things. It's hopefully official that I shall be attending and obtaining my upcoming degrees from Phoenix. I pray that all works out on my behalf as something has to give.

Moving along, so I talked to my 'male twin' and we had a great discussion of life and whats been going on. SO that's a plus, I feel better as I see who are truly there as a friend and cares verses who doesn't. My circle is extremely SMALL. And you know what, I like it as such. I do not need a lot of folks in my business then carrying around my business to others and can't even get it straight nor the lies straight. But best believe the 'fake/bitchness' folks will get theirs one way or another. Especially those I was there for, did not discriminate no matter what but in return decided to fuck me over. I know I'm not perfect and I sin but I also repent and ask for forgiveness.

Anyhow, I can say that life is hard and stressful at times.. But if one does not at least experience the struggle then he/she will not learn, overcome and become stronger from it. It that make sense. Things happen for a reason and God knows, I may not understand while its all happening but one day when its all said and done I will understand. On the other hand, I am doing what I have to do... I realized the other day that I actually have like 4 jobs. Owner of U'NEK BRAIDS & WEAVES, Computer Support, MARK Sales Rep and U'NEK Hemp Jewelry eBusiness. Cool and kudos to myself. I hope the Bazaar goes well next weekend. As I will be selling my hemp jewelry there. I am still working on marketing my Mark website. But a work in progress. All I can say is that we shall see. I just need positivity in my corner point blank.

Well for now that's about it.

Relationships

Now, I use to be ALL for relationships, love, like, feelins, emotions. HOWEVER, is relationships now played out and just not worth ones time, efforts or lack of? Is it one sided now? All about just putting up with anything and denial?

It just seems as though relationships are over rated. Sometimes its just best to remain friends in order to avoid conflict then on the other hand, its always good to know that you have someone. So its not a win win nor a loose loose situation.

Its like all one can do is to just be themselves, stop or dont worry about other people (friends, etc) that want to pry, and focus on whats at hand or whats at stake. Also you have to do YOU first and far most. If the significant other does not understand then maybe they are just not for you, or maybe the timing is wrong. Who knows but it happens and it happens to ALL of us no matter who you are.

I'm just convenced at times that its all just what the society wants and that I'm a lonier and a lonier for a reason, so that I do not have to bring others into whatever I am doing or my feelings where they end up feeling a certain way when my other sides of me show. I never said that I'm a open book, I do NOT show my true sides at once and for damn sure to all people. Some just dont need to know and thats just how it is. Love it or hate it.

So in all, relationships are basically over rated just like being or getting married for the WRONG reasons. I, you, anyone else has to do YOU in order to be happy as no one else will and thats life.

A plan of some sort

So after the inside info from work. I believe that I have finally came up with a plan for myself. Of course going back to school (praying that I can), using the jobs reimbursement. Graduate after the two course, then continue on to my Masters. In the meanwhile, I will take the leadership courses via my employer educational site that my boss will set up thats really for managers and supervisors and go from there. Giving them 1.5 to no more of 2yrs to see if things change for the good. I believe that my boss/manager wants me in a higher position with raise thats not analyst mode, but supervisor status. I am all for it and ready as something good has to give.

Rant vent

So again, my hope was let down. I was told last year that I would get a promotion to Production Control Analyst as I continue to work hard, proceed with successfully completing time sensitive task and projects in order to show or prove myself that I was worthy for the position. NOW 2yrs later I am told by my boss who worked hard for me to get whats rightfully due to me, that the upper management decided to go outside the company and also restructure everything. Meaning that there is no room for growth nor advancement in my direct department. Its like we/I are looked down upon. When it is us who does the most work for IS/IT. BUT the help desk is a higher pay grade than us. (who btw: does not do anything close to what we do).

Its just a slap in the face. Total frustration at its highest right now. I guess thats why God showed me earlier this week or last week to go back to school to finish the last two courses and graduate. NOW I will have start over as a 'beginner alumni' in the job searching pool.

However, I have already begun setting goals for myself. Such as obtaining my degree FINALLY and then of course job searching and hoping for the best for another decent paying and decent environment job/career by Spring '12.

So we shall see. I can only pray for the best and prepare for the worse. But maintain an positive outlook on my life right now.   

Going back in time

Yeah pretty much I came to realize that some things I have done in the past, well I'm seeing myself going back to them... positive things though. Such as me attempting to get back into yoga. But of course when you look for something, you can not find it. Thank goodness we have the internet, and I was able to find the yoga cards. I found my book though. 

Anyhow, another thing is food, shopping, etc. Going back to my old ways, getting what I need and not worry about anything anymore. Which is basically doing whats best for me, which is what it all should be right.

So we shall see how this all will play out. Until next time... Tis all

A start

As this is not my first time blogging (I use too in the past almost daily via myspace and another site that I just can't recall), I would like to say welcome to my new blog.

They say writing your feelings and thoughts are good for the soul. Well I personally feel that its good for my sanity these days. My first blog on here I guess should be just a tad bit about me. I am a 30 year old, intelligent black women that has accomplished a lot. I have been working with my company going on 9yrs. I have my own business (even though obtaining an official business license has become a nightmare as the county gov LOST my application), I am a homeowner (which almost lost), in a committed relationship, have potential serious health issue, and an entrepreneur as I am working on e-businesses that I have going for myself. Yes, I am a hustler. Attempting to regain my financial stability. I am holding down two households and not sure how I am doing all of this without going crazy or committing suicide. I guess I am stronger than what I assumed.

I say all of this to give my readers a background up front so that in the near future there will be understanding on what I blog.