2014 almost gone

It has been a long while since I wrote in this particular blog. So much has been happening in my life, good and bad, mistakes, hurts, joy, happiness, etc. So here is a quick rundown.........

The last post I was writing about my first love. Well we were suppose to have gotten married. However that did not happen. A lot of things were suppose to happen and happy ever after. However in real life that just does not exists. I wish him well, I hope the children are well, safe, etc. And I sure hope he man up, mature and find what he is looking for within himself. 

Moving along, other events transpired around my family. I almost lost both my mother and brother....stress, medical issues that just happened, etc. With the grace and love of the Lord...he helped and kept them here with me. I swear that year was a mess. I do not EVER want to witness what I did, the feeling of not knowing what was going to happen next, feeling alone, etc. But prayer is powerful. I will never understand why things happen the way it does when its not so good, to those who does not deserve it. Anyhow, both my mommie and brother are fine! 

After going through all of that, I now have anxiety issues, not a good feeling. But I maintain it NOW...at first I didnt, cant even lie on that. The meds given made you feel off. I do yoga which is a life saver for me. I enjoy each class/session. 

Now on to more positive stuff. During the time I was with my ex fiance.... I became a step parent and the fact that I have always wanted them, but sadly found that I could not after trying... I think he for the opportunity to feel parenthood. I loved it even though it was more than 3kids at one time....But if I can get up and care for them while sick and did not mind, not be selfish and put them before my needs, love them even though they was not mines....shoot what else can I ask for. SOOOOOOOOO I decided to go forward with adoption on my own.
 And guess what.. I now have a 7mth old babygirl. She is my world...even though the situation with the birth mother is iky, I will fight for my babygirl, my blessing! We hope everything will be squared away end of the year. Lord knows I do as it was suppose to have last month. But I guess they best things are those that we wait for. YAAAAAY for me.

Work situation is well..... lets just say that I am on a continue job hunt, especially since I am a mother...I have to have a better job schedule. And the company I work for, well nothing here for me even after everything I have done and proved myself, etc. A waste. 12 years but anyways. 

Love life.....hahahahhaahahah yes I have someone and we shall see where this goes. Long term stat you ask: hummmm I just do not know, I cant really read him. He is NOT like the rest of the males I am use too. Which can be a good or bad thing.. I know I have issues, but hey who the heck doesn't. However, I do know that I am worthy and deserve to be treated as such, pampered, loved, etc. 
Do I see another marriage in my future? Nervousness got me on that, I mean I do not know if anyone would really want me for me, be faithful, loyal, best friend, protector,... I know that I side-eye males with children and mothers who seem to cant and wont let go. Or the guys that cant let go of the mothers OR drama with letting the other see his/her children. It seems to be a trend and I'm personally tired of it. Sorry to my male readers that has kids who are not like what I mentioned, kudos to you. Teach the rest how it suppose to be done. Just a thought LOL

Yeah as you can see, I will never change being me. Situations may change, but I will always be me. I have grown and I have learned. I am now a mother and I have high ass standards. My baby means too much to me and if anyone does not understand, respect that, nor not there with me eye to eye then they can just go on.. JUMP! LOL okay okay not literally..hahahaha 

On that note, I'm working on blogging more often then once every 2yrs LOL. As always, thanks for reading, All Smiles Baby

Its a new year

and the end of the first week of 2012. I can say that it has been looking promising for myself. In December I found and been talking to my first love...our first loves of each other. WILD right. That was only the Lord placing him here at the timing right. As when I moved in late November and everything going on. I had to let God and let go. Once I did, he burden was lifted. Things started flowing and this is one. Besides the fact of the opportunity to sale my home options that would help me in the long run. 

And work is well the same.. nothing changed. However, my eyes are open and I can see clearly how things operate and so on. So all in all, I feel that this is MY YEAR FINALLY. I am ready and claiming this year. I have my blessings and love and support as I'm doing this for me. Point blank

Things looking up

For the most part. I'm on good note/terms with my friend. As he understands the reasoning behind everything... FINALLY RIGHT as he had no other way but to understand. As if he didn't....guess what I could care less.

Moving along, its been a bit of bumps on my road. However, I am making it. More positive in the light that's its about ME. Getting back on track, making a gain plan, etc. I'm just chilling, buying my time with everything. I am comfortable in my new place as I been in that area before. Which is a good thing....my neighbor though has been fighting and arguing none stop. Ghetto to say the least. I mean shorty she does not want you. I just don't get it..but I guess its not for me to get. That's the ONLY downfall is the thin walls. UGGGHH

I hope and pray that I will be able to purchase a house again one day SOON that's affordable amongst other things. I will be calling my mortgage company in the morning to go ahead with the Deed in Lieu foreclosure where it shall erase all debt.. I guess it will look a bit 'better' on my shot credit and make it able for me to become an homeowner again sooner than later. So we shall see how that goes.. I hope I do not stress out with that. I faxed over the authorization form from my lawyers so that they can speak with me directly. They better have received it by the time I make that call. Just saying.

Christmas is basically here and I am excited. New Years is right around the corner and I am looking for a prosperous 2012. I hope it brings peace, joy, relief, good health as I need it all. plus some. I tell you if its not one thing its another. People are struggling from all types of walk of life. And that's sad. The economy sucks along with the government. Being real here guys. A lot need jobs, finances, assistance but cant get anything. BUT if they where not looking, users, etc they would be able to get assistance with the drop of a dime. So not right.

What else..... umm that's really about it. So until next time....

Life is hard as is

so why is it that when your in a bad relationship (even with good points here and there), that the breakup is HARD...even when it happened the wrong way or not in a way that you anticipated.

Well that is what went down with me tonight/before midnight. Yes do care, love the person. However, I love myself and my health much more and realized that I have to help and take care of myself. It's one thing to debate and argue. BUT when a person continues to throw things in your face when you gave valid discussions on how you feel and not even blame them while in your own rant...why would they do such a thing? And why would I or anyone else put up with that over and over again. So yes I have hit my breaking point. And ended it. At least he states that he still love and appreciate everything I have done for him (my evil side is like he better) my good side is like 'okay so we are not on a hate hate can't communicate level. Wheeeeew.

I pray that he and I both get our own personal lives together for the sake of SELF. As far as relationships goes. Mane I give that to the Lord. As I feel that I'm not made for them. As they have all, umm about 80% bad. It might just be ME. Ohh well.

NOW I have to focus on myself and my lil stinka fat butt and getting my life back on track, my finances, and hopefully with the grace of the Lord become an homeowner again in life. Loosing everything I have worked for is enough in one life time. But for other simple mess to continue to happen that could have also been avoided, well hey that's why I am STRESSED THE HELL OUT. I am in constant prayer and will be again after I complete this post.

For those going through something or think that your the only one or that no one has it worse off than you... WELL its not just you!!! And your NOT alone!!

Other than that, I need to find a starting point. That's my next step. So stay tuned as this new chapter of my life is just beginning.

New Chapter..hard lessons learned

After everything is said and done. I am still here, making it and being blessed all at the same time. What I have learned is that I have have HAVE to do for MYSELF from now on... Doing for others, having them use me financially wise is what put me in a messed up situation that tops everything else. SO this is now a new chapter in my life. A re-do/start over. I am excited about my move this upcoming weekend. I am ready to do me 10,000,000% with no distractions. I know who are true to me, real friends and its not many which I am very happy about.

I am continuing to be determined, devoted and motivated on being successful for ME. Dispute everything that has gone down the past 2wks or so, I am STILL applying to scholarships as I was informed that I have exhausted all my financial aid. A bunch of BS right. Thought that it was no limit of educational loans AKA Staford sub and unsub. However, its government owned so you know how that goes.

Work is still work. Glad to have a job for real.  
The relationship is well what it is. I'm just into me, myself and I right now... Not selfish per se but hey its just the right thing to do. So many ppl consumed my life that I had no where to breathe and the sad thing is that they care less to be honest. And yes I did it to myself I admit it but there is a time for all to stop halt. And this is it!

Other than that, I'm just looking forward to everything and not dwell on the past. As from someone who has been through a lot, I'll say this to my readers.... please please please don't allow others to take advantage of you or you being soooo nice to others where you end up with NOTHING or worse yet, LOOSING NOTHING.

A lot of things

So a lot of things has been going on. First I finally set up an apt with Phoenix for this upcoming week. Unfortanitely, in order to get my transcripts from Strayer I have to come out of pocket for past semester...get this summer and fall 2009. And it took me calling to get my official transcripts for them to inform that I have an outstanding balance from a promisary note that I assumed I paid up. No letter was mailed, calls, emails, nada. Truly BAD and unprofessional service. Therefore, I have lost all respect for Strayer. I would not recommend anyone there, unless you are able to pay the entire total of tuition upfront in CASH.

Next, the job thing is not getting better. A lot of changes are coming down that are and will effect all of us. Especially financially. *sigh* will it even get better as we fight to show that we are great dedicated workers, etc. I pray it gets better for real.

My life, well I am working on getting that together and back on track finally. They say you have to start within and thus far I am doing better per doctor...but I know that STRESS is the killer and I fight with it daily from finances to relationship wise. I just feel that I'm just not understandable when it comes to certain situations or issues. As like only I understand myself and no one else does.

Moving along, I feel like I am on another level regarding my hair business. I started vamping up my website/portfolio and even blogging on here (my other blog attached to my profile) as well as my journal on my website. I'm just out here voicing myself and helping others in the meantime. Or shall I say I sure hope I do.

The jewelry that I do...well no takers/buyers, which I guess will take time right. But I have started rocking them myself as I do like my own work. Same for the makeup, I purchase a bit of things for myself as well. As they say, in time it will happen right. So I'm ready to sit back and see.

Anyhow, thats really the rundown of whats been going on since the last post. Until next time be you always.    :0)

Depression

It's something that more people are suffering from. And I am one of them. Once you have depression full blown, you never loose it. It may go in 'resession' and can never reactivate if nothing life changing or negative. However, if one issue that goes completely wrong happens. BAM.. depressions little head starts to peek its way through. And if you have control, then you can fight it, if you have no control then it will take over... At times life changing events will have you down all the way for a while.

I say all of this because I too suffer from depression. I tend to have it on and off..especially when I am going through a lot as I am now. But somehow I am making it without having 'thoughts'. I have a small support system that I try to talk too when needed. For those that read this and understand or going/experience depression please talk to someone... I'm here as well.

Depression is not a joke and can have sad unfortuante end results. So I say this, as a learning experience talk and listen to people when they are crying for help..not attention but help.