Depression

It's something that more people are suffering from. And I am one of them. Once you have depression full blown, you never loose it. It may go in 'resession' and can never reactivate if nothing life changing or negative. However, if one issue that goes completely wrong happens. BAM.. depressions little head starts to peek its way through. And if you have control, then you can fight it, if you have no control then it will take over... At times life changing events will have you down all the way for a while.

I say all of this because I too suffer from depression. I tend to have it on and off..especially when I am going through a lot as I am now. But somehow I am making it without having 'thoughts'. I have a small support system that I try to talk too when needed. For those that read this and understand or going/experience depression please talk to someone... I'm here as well.

Depression is not a joke and can have sad unfortuante end results. So I say this, as a learning experience talk and listen to people when they are crying for help..not attention but help.

So its me again. I  have been busy with the bazaar and sick with a cold. Still a bit tired/exhausted. BUT making it none-the-less.

NOW what has been going on or new.. My dude is still edgy per se. Still waiting to hear back from school so I can find out what I need to do to enroll and start, work is well...work point blank. I did a nice dinner Friday for my moms birthday on Thursday and that was nice. Still mad that my bro and dude went outside to smoke...buts that's a totally other story that I just do not feel to get into right at this moment.

My male version of me has been keeping his word thus far. And we conversed this evening and WOW at what he finally came out and told me... that he been in love with me. NOW men do NOT usually admit something of that nature and open up when they the types to keep things in and not share emotions, etc. It was shocking to me, because I have NEVER seen him as such open in regards feelings with me for all of 13yrs.  But I guess they say the timing has to be right, and give them space as if its meant it will happen. Therefore, that is to be continued and I am actually looking forward to it honestly. If I said I didn't, then I would be lying and I do not like to lie. I always wanted him to feel that way about me for all these years and finally me hitting 30 was the turning point to glory! I just hope everything else turns to glory for me.

The economy has everyone down... I'm just trying to get ahead in finances, but it seems as though there is always SOMETHING. When will it give, when will it get better to the point that everyone I love/care/fam is straight again??? I pray that it is soon. But its all in Gods hand. Lord knows that I am not the best of person, but I am trying!

Well I can say that tonight and last night were counter productive as I updated my jewelry site http://www.etsy.com/shop/UNEKHempJewelry?ref=si_shop  with better pictures and all. So it stands out. As far as my Markgirl site http://malindawashington.mymarkstore.com/  I need to find another marketing tool I guess. I could use Craigslist (as I JUST thought of that as I type). Still have to decide and figure that out.

I know when I get home, I need to finish my hair, relax and clean. He can like it or not. BUT it is MY house and I be damned if I will allow it to continue on in the manner and matter that it is. I just do not get people. You open up your place and you think that they would do the simple mess of keeping it up or for that matter truly care and respect it even when they 'talk' the talk. However, nope. That's not reality. Wait till he get his own and then see, understand, etc. I am just tired of helping people that do not really do anything for me. Not saying that I need anything. But undermind how I live BEFORE them. When I nice/sweetened up to accomidate them, thats EXACTLY where I went wrong. FUCK THAT. How I live or do or like things is just what it is... Take it or leave it. For real. Thats one reason why I been stressed the hell out. I want my house back and I WILL SUCCEED in doing so!!!

Okay rant over. But if you been there and understand then you already know how I feel at this moment. Just saying. Anyhow, until next time.

Lashing Out

IS it really worth the pain, side effects such as headaches, blood pressure rising and possible heath issues and your sanity??? NO but in reality its hard as hell when your just bombarded with a lot and feel likes there's no way out. WELL ladies and gents. That's how I felt last night. I felt like I was at the breaking point of disaster. A meltdown, falling apart, breakdown. I felt like I was alone that I could not do anything as like its me that's the problem. So I snapped out on my brother and dad after things that where truly a joke and I didn't mean it but it was hitting the head of all my frustrations. After I calmed down, I did the right thing and apologize to my brother. 

I talked with my mom who always has wise things but real to tell me. She does not hold anything back and I love her for that. I know all too well that I am totally a high strung nut case when things don't go right nor my way. TRUE to the 1000000th power. And I need a better release system as she stated I need to breathe in and out when or before I feel that frustration coming on. That I am stressed because I am caring for two house holds. And of course I need to pray and ask the Lord to take the burden off me and guild my tongue in other words.  That I have done and I do feel a bit better. But I personally have a lot to work on. I admit that for real. Why not. I'm not perfect so hey. So the yoga/ball exercises shall be a calming effect for me don't you think. 

Anyhow, moving along. CHEATING.... do I think my dude is doing such. Well something in the back of my head is telling me that he is.. For one, we are struggling, second his boys does not deal with him/being fake all because of me and I don't even know these lil boys. Therefore I know know he blames me for that and he is NOT over it and I have to constantly hear it when he vents/rants. Third because of my work schedule and his lack of. So why me and why lie... I shall never know. But I have broke my neck over and over and can not help anyone else out. I need the help now....and no one has come to my rescue. Just saying. I don't have proof because its more so on the computer/facebook/IM or the older phone number/sim card that I know he probably switches out to talk to certain ppl when I'm not around. BUT HEY I NEED TO WORRY ABOUT MYSELF THEN THIS MESS RIGHT.. Yeah yeah I know. But its hard when you feel like your being played and used all over again right. 

Okay moving along. I sure hope that my nerves can chill this week as this is my mommies bday week, short week and I will be selling my jewelry at the bazaar Saturday. YAAAAAAY Positive things rights. I also want to go and see Wicked. We shall see on that one right. 

Well tis all for now.

Now what

Sooooo now its more so of moving on from Strayer and on to bigger and better things. It's hopefully official that I shall be attending and obtaining my upcoming degrees from Phoenix. I pray that all works out on my behalf as something has to give.

Moving along, so I talked to my 'male twin' and we had a great discussion of life and whats been going on. SO that's a plus, I feel better as I see who are truly there as a friend and cares verses who doesn't. My circle is extremely SMALL. And you know what, I like it as such. I do not need a lot of folks in my business then carrying around my business to others and can't even get it straight nor the lies straight. But best believe the 'fake/bitchness' folks will get theirs one way or another. Especially those I was there for, did not discriminate no matter what but in return decided to fuck me over. I know I'm not perfect and I sin but I also repent and ask for forgiveness.

Anyhow, I can say that life is hard and stressful at times.. But if one does not at least experience the struggle then he/she will not learn, overcome and become stronger from it. It that make sense. Things happen for a reason and God knows, I may not understand while its all happening but one day when its all said and done I will understand. On the other hand, I am doing what I have to do... I realized the other day that I actually have like 4 jobs. Owner of U'NEK BRAIDS & WEAVES, Computer Support, MARK Sales Rep and U'NEK Hemp Jewelry eBusiness. Cool and kudos to myself. I hope the Bazaar goes well next weekend. As I will be selling my hemp jewelry there. I am still working on marketing my Mark website. But a work in progress. All I can say is that we shall see. I just need positivity in my corner point blank.

Well for now that's about it.

Relationships

Now, I use to be ALL for relationships, love, like, feelins, emotions. HOWEVER, is relationships now played out and just not worth ones time, efforts or lack of? Is it one sided now? All about just putting up with anything and denial?

It just seems as though relationships are over rated. Sometimes its just best to remain friends in order to avoid conflict then on the other hand, its always good to know that you have someone. So its not a win win nor a loose loose situation.

Its like all one can do is to just be themselves, stop or dont worry about other people (friends, etc) that want to pry, and focus on whats at hand or whats at stake. Also you have to do YOU first and far most. If the significant other does not understand then maybe they are just not for you, or maybe the timing is wrong. Who knows but it happens and it happens to ALL of us no matter who you are.

I'm just convenced at times that its all just what the society wants and that I'm a lonier and a lonier for a reason, so that I do not have to bring others into whatever I am doing or my feelings where they end up feeling a certain way when my other sides of me show. I never said that I'm a open book, I do NOT show my true sides at once and for damn sure to all people. Some just dont need to know and thats just how it is. Love it or hate it.

So in all, relationships are basically over rated just like being or getting married for the WRONG reasons. I, you, anyone else has to do YOU in order to be happy as no one else will and thats life.

A plan of some sort

So after the inside info from work. I believe that I have finally came up with a plan for myself. Of course going back to school (praying that I can), using the jobs reimbursement. Graduate after the two course, then continue on to my Masters. In the meanwhile, I will take the leadership courses via my employer educational site that my boss will set up thats really for managers and supervisors and go from there. Giving them 1.5 to no more of 2yrs to see if things change for the good. I believe that my boss/manager wants me in a higher position with raise thats not analyst mode, but supervisor status. I am all for it and ready as something good has to give.

Rant vent

So again, my hope was let down. I was told last year that I would get a promotion to Production Control Analyst as I continue to work hard, proceed with successfully completing time sensitive task and projects in order to show or prove myself that I was worthy for the position. NOW 2yrs later I am told by my boss who worked hard for me to get whats rightfully due to me, that the upper management decided to go outside the company and also restructure everything. Meaning that there is no room for growth nor advancement in my direct department. Its like we/I are looked down upon. When it is us who does the most work for IS/IT. BUT the help desk is a higher pay grade than us. (who btw: does not do anything close to what we do).

Its just a slap in the face. Total frustration at its highest right now. I guess thats why God showed me earlier this week or last week to go back to school to finish the last two courses and graduate. NOW I will have start over as a 'beginner alumni' in the job searching pool.

However, I have already begun setting goals for myself. Such as obtaining my degree FINALLY and then of course job searching and hoping for the best for another decent paying and decent environment job/career by Spring '12.

So we shall see. I can only pray for the best and prepare for the worse. But maintain an positive outlook on my life right now.